To follow up from what seemed to be a very popular series on dating, check out this video by Perry Noble from NewSpring Church in South Carolina.

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This will conclude our 3-part series on dating. One of the pillars of The Project is “Relate“, promoting and encouraging healthy relationships. I’ll be drawing the material for this 3-part series from a great book called “The One” by Ben Young & Samuel Adams. Part 1: “LOOKING FOR THE ONE”, Part 2: “KNOWING WHEN YOU’VE FOUND THE ONE”, Part 3: “CHOOSING THE ONE.”

Are you in Love with the Wrong One?
Sometimes we just need to let go of the person we know isn’t the one. For some reason though, we hold on far too long. Here are some of our excuses:

“I know I can fix this one.”
“But I love him.”
“It’s better than being alone.”
“I’ve invested too much time and energy.”
“I’m scared of what the person might do.”
“I’m afraid I will hurt the person.”
“I need the financial security this relationship offers me.”
“God’s called me to carry His cross.”

8 Good Reasons This is Not The One

1. You are not in sync spiritually
We are so eager to fall in love that we tend to ignore the spiritual zone. If you aren’t in sync spiritually, you can’t connect with this person heart to heart.

2. You see major character flaws
If someone is dishonest, mean, angry, emotionally unstable or unfaithful, this is a sign. Don’t wait for a voice from on high to move on.

3. You are not romantically attracted
Don’t be spiritual about it, if you aren’t attracted to the person, there’s something wrong. Don’t think its important? Read Song of Solomon.

4. You are having to work too hard.
Don’t take this the wrong way, any good relationship takes hard work, but if you are trying too hard to have fun and experience unity, then its just not worth it.

5. You are constantly fighting
Fighting is normal, it happens. But if your relationship is characterised by unhealthy conflict, this is a sign of incompatibility.

6. You have been abused
If you have been physically or verbally abused by your dating partner, get out, move on – no questions asked.

7. You are not top priority in his or her life
Obviously God comes first, but if you are not a priority in his or her life today, you will never be.

8. You are constantly changing to please him or her
Change is inevitable in a relationship, but you want someone to be attracted to you for who you are, not the phony skin you are wearing to please the other person.

How do you break it off?
So, you decide that the person is not the one for you. What do you do next? Here are some helpful guidelines on how to break up:

1. Immediately
Don’t waste time by prolonging the inevitable. If you play games and hold on, all you are doing is enlarging the emotional wound.

2. Honestly
Be open, honest, direct, and sincere. Get to the point and don’t linger in the realm of ambiguity. Too many people do this.

3. Tactfully
This is not the time to get cruel about how you’ve felt wronged. Be honest, but tactful. Let no unwholesome word proceed out of your mouth (Eph 4:29).

4. Courageously
Breaking up is one of the most difficult things, but courage is the ability to do something despite your fear.

5. Completely
Don’t have a fake break-up where you say its over, but you call the next week to see how he or she is doing. Don’t play games, end it and put space between you for a while.

How To Keep The One
So, you think you found the one? Well, that’s just the first step. Where do you go from here? Here are some “DONT’S” of keeping the one:

1. Don’t wait for a voice or sign from heaven
If you’ve dated for 2 years, you’ve finished uni and you’re working, and you’ve connected in all 3 love zones, don’t drag out the inevitable.

2. Don’t pressure your partner if you are within the two-year time frame
Don’t manipulate the other person if you “know” and they don’t. They have to figure it out in their own time, two years is healthy.

3. Don’t isolate yourselves
Isolation and ultra-privacy usually signifies a level of immaturity or a possible warning sign. Don’t exclude others from the process, they are vital to it.

4. Don’t experiment with living together
Cohabitation is a relational trend in the secular world, but statistics show that couples who live together before marriage are 48% more likely to divorce than those who don’t.

A Better Way to Close the Deal
So, avoiding those “donts”, here are four critical guidelines to help you prepare for a successful lifetime union:

1. Appoint an advisory board
One of the most important things you can do to enhance your odds of success is to surround yourself with a group of people who can support you and offer priceless feedback.

2. Define the relationship sooner than later
This is not about pressuring the other person, but a time to be open, honest and direct about your expectations for a future together. Somewhere around the 1-year mark is wise.

3. Seek relationship counselling
You train to get your drivers license, so why not do the same for marriage and ensure you are educated and responsible. There are tons of options for young couples.

4. Nurture the relationship
A relationship takes work, and it is only as good as you are willing to invest. Always be seeking to mature and develop your relationship and build your spiritual connection.

Are You Ready?
The divorce rate in the church is just as bad or worse than the divorce rate in society. One of the ways you can prevent this is to choose a person who fits all 3 zones (Relational, Character & Spiritual). Secondly, understand the reality of covenant marriage. Far too many couples breeze into marriage without a clear understanding of this. You must be ready for the following 3 realities:

1. Get ready for holiness
We have bought into the silly, yet dangerous, notion that marriage will make us happy. But what if God intended marriage not to make you happy, but to make you holy? Marriage is not about meeting your needs, it’s a 24/7/365 marathon designed by God himself to knock off your rough edges and reform your selfish nature in order to make you holy. It is about commitment, giving, serving, forgiving, and laying down your natural selfish desires to live for another person.

2. Get ready for sacrifice
Some married couples go into shock when they discover the undeniable truth that marriage is not about getting anything, but giving everything.

3. Get ready for commitment
The best word to sum up a successful marriage would be commitment. We have forgotten the meaning of this word in our culture, which has plunged into a commitment crisis.

This concludes the series on dating. I hope this has been helpful to you in some way. By now, you should at least be a little more clear about how best to work through that ‘make or break’ decision about finding, knowing and choosing, ‘The One.’

We continue on with our 3-part series on dating. One of the pillars of The Project is “Relate“, promoting and encouraging healthy relationships. I’ll be drawing the material for this 3-part series from a great book called “The One” by Ben Young & Samuel Adams. Part 1: “LOOKING FOR THE ONE”, Part 2: “KNOWING WHEN YOU’VE FOUND THE ONE”, Part 3: “CHOOSING THE ONE.”

THE LOVE TARGET

Finding a potential partner means connecting with someone in three essential “love” zones: relational compatibility, character and spirituality. These three zones make up what we call the “Love Target.” The Love Target is a model developed to give you the criteria and help you organise your priorities in selecting a soul mate. The idea is that you must connect on all three zones. Plus, the target is arranged in three concentric circles with the Spiritual zone at the core (most important), the Character zone circling around the middle (very important) and the Relational zone as the outer circle (important).

THE RELATIONAL ZONE
How do you know if you are relationally compatible? There are three components: Chemisty, Personality and Lifestyle.

Chemistry (Physical or Emotional Attraction): There are many aspects of a relationship that you can create, nurture and develop over time. This isn’t one of them. It’s mysterious and multifaceted, but either you have it or you don’t.

Personality Style: Personality is pretty stable over time. Sure, you can tweak it a little, but the basic tendencies won’t change. If it bugs you now, it’ll bug you forever. You have to ask yourself whether you can accept and adapt, even if they don’t change.

Lifestyle (Interests & Hobbies): There will be a huge relational mismatch if you don’t share the same interests. An individual’s lifestyle will tell you 3 things about that person: emotional self, inner self, and priorities. Are you ok with what you see?

THE CHARACTER ZONE
What you do matters. What you do is what you believe and at any given moment you always do as you believe in that moment. That’s what character is. Your next challenge is to discern whether or not the person you are dating has good character and whether it is compatible. Here are some questions you should ask:

1. Do you respect this person?
The foundation of any healthy relationship is respect and admiration.

2. How does this person handle money?
It is often heard that most couples divorce for one of two reasons. Money or sex.

3. Does this person have endurance?
Are they a wimp? When things get tough do they bail? Do they have staying power?

4. Does this person tell the truth?
A recent survey revealed that the number one thing people could tolerate the least was dishonesty.

5. Is this person responsible?
If people can’t take care of their own lives, then they certainly can’t take care of a relationship.

6. Do you like the person’s friends?
A person’s friends are a mirror image of his or her character.

7. How does this person relate to their family?
Does this person have a healthy relationship with their parents. The way love is expressed at home will be how it is in your relationship.

THE SPIRITUAL ZONE
What makes you tick? What about the person you desire to spend the rest of your life with? What is at their core? That’s the spiritual zone! Your spiritual zone affects everything you do: the way you view dating, marriage, divorce, money, work, sex and recreation. Your faith is your worldview, so it is vitally important that you connect on this level.

Are you ignoring your spiritual zone?
Here are three reasons why you might be…

1. You are hiding in the safety of the silence
This is when you both know you are Christians, but for some reason you never really talk about it. Or maybe you don’t know where he or she stands spiritually but you never talk about it. Not good.

2. You are content with swimming in the shallows
There is a great joy to be found in exploring each other’s deep spiritual convictions. Don’t be content with the shallow end of the pool forever, ask the big questions of each other: who am I, why am I here, what are my hopes and dreams?

3. You are satisfied with just having sex
Intimacy goes deeper than sex. Sex can often serve as a substitute for other forms of intimacy. Sex is a life-unifying act that must be coupled with a life-unifying commitment. Be willing to expose yourself emotionally and seek to penetrate the soul first.

Three things to look for in the spiritual zone:

1. Faith
You must be certain of two things. First, that you have a personal relationship with Jesus, and second, that the person you plan to marry for the rest of your life has had a genuine experience with Christ as well.

2. Fruit
There are a lot of posers out there who claim to be someone they are not and give lip-service to their faith. Consider the fruits of the spirit in their life: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.

3. Family
Church. Is the family of God important in their life? Are they committed to a local church where they are around other like-minded believers? Having the support of a healthy church family is vital to the success of your dating and marriage relationship.

Tomorrow: CHOOSING THE ONE

Today begins a 3-part series on dating. One of the pillars of The Project is “Relate“, promoting and encouraging healthy relationships. I’ll be drawing the material for this 3-part series from a great book called “The One” by Ben Young & Samuel Adams. Part 1: “LOOKING FOR THE ONE”, Part 2: “KNOWING WHEN YOU’VE FOUND THE ONE”, Part 3: “CHOOSING THE ONE.”

“The success or failure of an intimate relationship is strongly influenced by one’s choice of a mate. Selecting a person with the right characteristics is perhaps the most important prerequisite for attaining the ideal of a close, personal relationship.”

THE QUEST FOR THE ONE

Do you feel the pressure to find the one?
1. Family: Mum, Dad and the rest of the family usually have expectations that don’t fit your reality.
2. Married Friends: Don’t you just hate it when your married friends rub their bliss in your face?
3. Society: From early on, we are driven by an expectation to be married through our consumption of media.
4. Your Body: Seriously, the urge is there for some sexual healing, or the “urge to merge” if ya know what I mean.
5. Yourself: We are driven by an expectation and assumption that we should be married by a particular time.

Five Reckless Ways to Respond to the Pressure
1. Press the Panic Button: Freak out and try to unnaturally speed up the process.
2. Settle for Mr/Mrs Right Now: Lowering your standards, choosing for the sake of choosing.
3. Deny Your Heart’s Desire: Don’t lose heart, don’t deny the built in urge to be in a relationship.
4. Crawl Into a Cave: Don’t give up, turning inwards only lessens your chances.
5. Spiritualise Your Quest: Don’t take a super-spiritual approach and ask God to do the work for you.

Things You Can Do to De-Pressurise the Quest
1. Face the Truth: Accept the reality of where you are and what you are feeling.
2. Relax and Embrace the Process: Take a deep breath and enjoy the process of being single.
3. Never Compromise: Whatever you do, wherever you go, you must not compromise in the quest for love.
4. Change Your Approach: If you can’t change the direction of the wind, adjust your sails.

THE SEVEN MYTHS ABOUT THE ONE

Myth #1: There is just one special person
Wouldn’t it be nice? But this is an unrealistic expectation about the way God works in our lives.

Myth #2: If you love God enough, He will give you a soul mate
If you pray hard enough, seek His will long enough, you are guaranteed a mate. I wish. Balance personal responsibility with God’s leading and timing.

Myth #3: There is one, true Christian way to find your mate
The bible doesn’t stipulate any particular method of mate-selection. Be respectful, responsible, conscientious, and conform to God’s principles.

Myth #4: Follow your heart
What really counts is how you “feel.” This is a myth. Too much emphasis is placed on feelings and emotions. Place common sense alongside emotional appeal.

Myth #5: Don’t worry, you’ll just know
What a cop out. The process is tough, doubts are normal, you may never know with absolute certainty, but that doesn’t mean its not right.

Myth #6: All you need is God
You need more in common than just both being Christians. You must be compatible on a number of levels that are broad-based.

Myth #7: There is someone for everyone
You know what, maybe you just aren’t meant to get married. That’s totally ok, Jesus says its ok (Matt 19:11-12). Your life can be meaningful and fulfilling without a date.

WHERE TO FIND THE ONE

Worst places to meet The One
Bars: Its too loud, smoke it thick, and you’re likely drinking alcohol, which means your judgement is compromised.
Different Time Zones: Too hard.
Chat Rooms: Way too creepy. Too many people re-invent themselves and people get hurt.

Target Rich Environments
Church: Likely the best place to meet a mate. Low-key, friendly, safe and healthy.
Work: There are some rules to follow, but this is great place to find someone who shares interests and life aspirations.
Friends and Family: According to surveys, people consistently find partners through networking through friends and family.
Expand your circle of friends: Get out there and join a sports team, learn to dance, do some pilates, take a course, whatever, just get out there.

SINGLE FOR A REASON OR SINGLE FOR A SEASON?

Internal barriers to finding the one
1. Fear of Intimacy (Too Close for Comfort Syndrome): Intimacy is about having the courage to be your true self in the presence of another, this is hard.
2. Fear of Rejection (Play it Safe Syndrome): Rejection is always a possibility so get used to it. When you know who you are, you won’t be shaken by rejection.
3. Fear of Equality (The One Up/One Down Sydnrome): Nobody is “not good enough” for your or “out of your league.” This is stinkin’ thinkin’.
4. Fear of Commitment (Best of Both Worlds Syndrome): This is not so much about committing to someone as much as it is saying no to every other potential mate.

Overcoming these barriers
Face your fears head-on: The more you “do” the very thing you fear, the less fear you will have.
Get into safe relationships: Take a risk and allow yourself to be in a safe relationship where you can trust the other person.
Learn healthy self-talk: Pay attention to your inner dialogue, what are you saying about yourself?
Seek professional help: Maybe our insecurities and fears are more deeply rooted and we need some professional guidance.

Tomorrow: KNOWING WHEN YOU’VE FOUND THE ONE