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This will conclude our 3-part series on dating. One of the pillars of The Project is “Relate“, promoting and encouraging healthy relationships. I’ll be drawing the material for this 3-part series from a great book called “The One” by Ben Young & Samuel Adams. Part 1: “LOOKING FOR THE ONE”, Part 2: “KNOWING WHEN YOU’VE FOUND THE ONE”, Part 3: “CHOOSING THE ONE.”
Are you in Love with the Wrong One?
Sometimes we just need to let go of the person we know isn’t the one. For some reason though, we hold on far too long. Here are some of our excuses:
“I know I can fix this one.”
“But I love him.”
“It’s better than being alone.”
“I’ve invested too much time and energy.”
“I’m scared of what the person might do.”
“I’m afraid I will hurt the person.”
“I need the financial security this relationship offers me.”
“God’s called me to carry His cross.”
8 Good Reasons This is Not The One
1. You are not in sync spiritually
We are so eager to fall in love that we tend to ignore the spiritual zone. If you aren’t in sync spiritually, you can’t connect with this person heart to heart.
2. You see major character flaws
If someone is dishonest, mean, angry, emotionally unstable or unfaithful, this is a sign. Don’t wait for a voice from on high to move on.
3. You are not romantically attracted
Don’t be spiritual about it, if you aren’t attracted to the person, there’s something wrong. Don’t think its important? Read Song of Solomon.
4. You are having to work too hard.
Don’t take this the wrong way, any good relationship takes hard work, but if you are trying too hard to have fun and experience unity, then its just not worth it.
5. You are constantly fighting
Fighting is normal, it happens. But if your relationship is characterised by unhealthy conflict, this is a sign of incompatibility.
6. You have been abused
If you have been physically or verbally abused by your dating partner, get out, move on – no questions asked.
7. You are not top priority in his or her life
Obviously God comes first, but if you are not a priority in his or her life today, you will never be.
8. You are constantly changing to please him or her
Change is inevitable in a relationship, but you want someone to be attracted to you for who you are, not the phony skin you are wearing to please the other person.
How do you break it off?
So, you decide that the person is not the one for you. What do you do next? Here are some helpful guidelines on how to break up:
1. Immediately
Don’t waste time by prolonging the inevitable. If you play games and hold on, all you are doing is enlarging the emotional wound.
2. Honestly
Be open, honest, direct, and sincere. Get to the point and don’t linger in the realm of ambiguity. Too many people do this.
3. Tactfully
This is not the time to get cruel about how you’ve felt wronged. Be honest, but tactful. Let no unwholesome word proceed out of your mouth (Eph 4:29).
4. Courageously
Breaking up is one of the most difficult things, but courage is the ability to do something despite your fear.
5. Completely
Don’t have a fake break-up where you say its over, but you call the next week to see how he or she is doing. Don’t play games, end it and put space between you for a while.
How To Keep The One
So, you think you found the one? Well, that’s just the first step. Where do you go from here? Here are some “DONT’S” of keeping the one:
1. Don’t wait for a voice or sign from heaven
If you’ve dated for 2 years, you’ve finished uni and you’re working, and you’ve connected in all 3 love zones, don’t drag out the inevitable.
2. Don’t pressure your partner if you are within the two-year time frame
Don’t manipulate the other person if you “know” and they don’t. They have to figure it out in their own time, two years is healthy.
3. Don’t isolate yourselves
Isolation and ultra-privacy usually signifies a level of immaturity or a possible warning sign. Don’t exclude others from the process, they are vital to it.
4. Don’t experiment with living together
Cohabitation is a relational trend in the secular world, but statistics show that couples who live together before marriage are 48% more likely to divorce than those who don’t.
A Better Way to Close the Deal
So, avoiding those “donts”, here are four critical guidelines to help you prepare for a successful lifetime union:
1. Appoint an advisory board
One of the most important things you can do to enhance your odds of success is to surround yourself with a group of people who can support you and offer priceless feedback.
2. Define the relationship sooner than later
This is not about pressuring the other person, but a time to be open, honest and direct about your expectations for a future together. Somewhere around the 1-year mark is wise.
3. Seek relationship counselling
You train to get your drivers license, so why not do the same for marriage and ensure you are educated and responsible. There are tons of options for young couples.
4. Nurture the relationship
A relationship takes work, and it is only as good as you are willing to invest. Always be seeking to mature and develop your relationship and build your spiritual connection.
Are You Ready?
The divorce rate in the church is just as bad or worse than the divorce rate in society. One of the ways you can prevent this is to choose a person who fits all 3 zones (Relational, Character & Spiritual). Secondly, understand the reality of covenant marriage. Far too many couples breeze into marriage without a clear understanding of this. You must be ready for the following 3 realities:
1. Get ready for holiness
We have bought into the silly, yet dangerous, notion that marriage will make us happy. But what if God intended marriage not to make you happy, but to make you holy? Marriage is not about meeting your needs, it’s a 24/7/365 marathon designed by God himself to knock off your rough edges and reform your selfish nature in order to make you holy. It is about commitment, giving, serving, forgiving, and laying down your natural selfish desires to live for another person.
2. Get ready for sacrifice
Some married couples go into shock when they discover the undeniable truth that marriage is not about getting anything, but giving everything.
3. Get ready for commitment
The best word to sum up a successful marriage would be commitment. We have forgotten the meaning of this word in our culture, which has plunged into a commitment crisis.
This concludes the series on dating. I hope this has been helpful to you in some way. By now, you should at least be a little more clear about how best to work through that ‘make or break’ decision about finding, knowing and choosing, ‘The One.’
