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Today begins a 3-part series on dating. One of the pillars of The Project is “Relate“, promoting and encouraging healthy relationships. I’ll be drawing the material for this 3-part series from a great book called “The One” by Ben Young & Samuel Adams. Part 1: “LOOKING FOR THE ONE”, Part 2: “KNOWING WHEN YOU’VE FOUND THE ONE”, Part 3: “CHOOSING THE ONE.”
“The success or failure of an intimate relationship is strongly influenced by one’s choice of a mate. Selecting a person with the right characteristics is perhaps the most important prerequisite for attaining the ideal of a close, personal relationship.”
THE QUEST FOR THE ONE
Do you feel the pressure to find the one?
1. Family: Mum, Dad and the rest of the family usually have expectations that don’t fit your reality.
2. Married Friends: Don’t you just hate it when your married friends rub their bliss in your face?
3. Society: From early on, we are driven by an expectation to be married through our consumption of media.
4. Your Body: Seriously, the urge is there for some sexual healing, or the “urge to merge” if ya know what I mean.
5. Yourself: We are driven by an expectation and assumption that we should be married by a particular time.
Five Reckless Ways to Respond to the Pressure
1. Press the Panic Button: Freak out and try to unnaturally speed up the process.
2. Settle for Mr/Mrs Right Now: Lowering your standards, choosing for the sake of choosing.
3. Deny Your Heart’s Desire: Don’t lose heart, don’t deny the built in urge to be in a relationship.
4. Crawl Into a Cave: Don’t give up, turning inwards only lessens your chances.
5. Spiritualise Your Quest: Don’t take a super-spiritual approach and ask God to do the work for you.
Things You Can Do to De-Pressurise the Quest
1. Face the Truth: Accept the reality of where you are and what you are feeling.
2. Relax and Embrace the Process: Take a deep breath and enjoy the process of being single.
3. Never Compromise: Whatever you do, wherever you go, you must not compromise in the quest for love.
4. Change Your Approach: If you can’t change the direction of the wind, adjust your sails.
THE SEVEN MYTHS ABOUT THE ONE
Myth #1: There is just one special person
Wouldn’t it be nice? But this is an unrealistic expectation about the way God works in our lives.
Myth #2: If you love God enough, He will give you a soul mate
If you pray hard enough, seek His will long enough, you are guaranteed a mate. I wish. Balance personal responsibility with God’s leading and timing.
Myth #3: There is one, true Christian way to find your mate
The bible doesn’t stipulate any particular method of mate-selection. Be respectful, responsible, conscientious, and conform to God’s principles.
Myth #4: Follow your heart
What really counts is how you “feel.” This is a myth. Too much emphasis is placed on feelings and emotions. Place common sense alongside emotional appeal.
Myth #5: Don’t worry, you’ll just know
What a cop out. The process is tough, doubts are normal, you may never know with absolute certainty, but that doesn’t mean its not right.
Myth #6: All you need is God
You need more in common than just both being Christians. You must be compatible on a number of levels that are broad-based.
Myth #7: There is someone for everyone
You know what, maybe you just aren’t meant to get married. That’s totally ok, Jesus says its ok (Matt 19:11-12). Your life can be meaningful and fulfilling without a date.
WHERE TO FIND THE ONE
Worst places to meet The One
Bars: Its too loud, smoke it thick, and you’re likely drinking alcohol, which means your judgement is compromised.
Different Time Zones: Too hard.
Chat Rooms: Way too creepy. Too many people re-invent themselves and people get hurt.
Target Rich Environments
Church: Likely the best place to meet a mate. Low-key, friendly, safe and healthy.
Work: There are some rules to follow, but this is great place to find someone who shares interests and life aspirations.
Friends and Family: According to surveys, people consistently find partners through networking through friends and family.
Expand your circle of friends: Get out there and join a sports team, learn to dance, do some pilates, take a course, whatever, just get out there.
SINGLE FOR A REASON OR SINGLE FOR A SEASON?
Internal barriers to finding the one
1. Fear of Intimacy (Too Close for Comfort Syndrome): Intimacy is about having the courage to be your true self in the presence of another, this is hard.
2. Fear of Rejection (Play it Safe Syndrome): Rejection is always a possibility so get used to it. When you know who you are, you won’t be shaken by rejection.
3. Fear of Equality (The One Up/One Down Sydnrome): Nobody is “not good enough” for your or “out of your league.” This is stinkin’ thinkin’.
4. Fear of Commitment (Best of Both Worlds Syndrome): This is not so much about committing to someone as much as it is saying no to every other potential mate.
Overcoming these barriers
Face your fears head-on: The more you “do” the very thing you fear, the less fear you will have.
Get into safe relationships: Take a risk and allow yourself to be in a safe relationship where you can trust the other person.
Learn healthy self-talk: Pay attention to your inner dialogue, what are you saying about yourself?
Seek professional help: Maybe our insecurities and fears are more deeply rooted and we need some professional guidance.
Tomorrow: KNOWING WHEN YOU’VE FOUND THE ONE
just want to remind you, cory, that long-distance online relationships CAN work, remember??? it was obviously the best (and only) way for dan and i to meet, plus i feel like overcoming the whole distance thing together makes us all that much more solid as a couple. true, some people can be fake online and cause hurt for others, but is that not also true of some people you meet face-to-face?
nice work, though. i like the rest of this post. good advice.
xx
Thanks for commenting Lindsey!
The comments about the internet were related to “chat rooms” specifically. Dating sites on the internet are a different story. The book I’m reading actually encourages it. It can be a really safe place to meet people and build relationships, plus can also be a compatibility-rich environment. So hopefully that clarifies things somewhat.
Also, in regards to the whole distance thing, although it is definitely hard, I wholeheartedly agree that it is possible. You and Dan, and many others for that matter, are evidence to that. I guess I was just saying that its probably not the best place to “look” for someone. If you happen to find someone in a different time zone, then hey, go for it, but probably easier to look in your own time zone first.
thanks for clarifying, cory. i didn’t think people actually did chat room as such anymore… but i guess they do have the potential to be dodgier. cheers. xx
Church is supposed to be a good way to meet people?
I’m 30, even though I’ve only been looking for a spouse for two years since losing my husband three years ago, there has not been a decent single guy in my church for …. well I can’t remember there ever being one who 1. claimed to genuinely follow Jesus, 2. wasn’t shallow ie dated more than just the popular, skinny, hot girls 3. didn’t demand sex before marriage, and 4. wasn’t some other kind of shallow (eg things like refusing to date single mothers even ones who are Godly and never had sex outside of marriage – looking down on them simply for being single mothers etc).
In fact, in two years of “being on the market”, I’ve only met two men who were genuine christian men, who didn’t demand sex before marriage and who weren’t shallow and obsessed with things like money and looks – and both of those guys had very serious disabilities which leaves them totally unable to ever work, and to move away from their parents, they would need a potential spouse to take over being a carer. I’m already my autistic daughter’s carer and even if I had anything in common with either of these men (which I didn’t), I could not both financially support a disabled child and a disabled husband AND physically care for a disabled child and a disabled adult – and I know first hand that pensions don’t even cover enough to support an abled bodied adult with no dependants and no medical expenses.
I don’t meet men at work because I do casual agency work in a career that is 99% women in the first place. My family and friends know no single genuine christian men. there are no single dads at my daughter’s school (as being a christian school, i’m one of very few single parents, period). and even when I’ve had time for hobbies, the few men I’ve met are very not christian.
I’ve tried online dating, and again, faced with the same problem I have at my church and at family/friend’s churches – the few single guys are either not christian at all, or not genuine christians.
There aren’t really that many genuine christian around in the first place, and once you get over 25, almost all the decent christian men are long in relationships/married – and the rest are either just not genuine christians, not decent, or have serious other issues.
Personally I’d just like to find a genuine target rich environment – I can guarantee church is not one of them. And work, hobbies and family/friends may be a target rich environment for a non christian, but when you are looking for a christian spouse, the chances are very slim – I’ve never met a single christian man at work, hobbies, or throug family.
I’m sure these are great suggestions if you live in an area where christians make up a large percentage of the population, but if you live in a city that is mostly atheists and agnostics, your chances of finding a spouse after the age of 25 are slim to none.
This is good in terms of men. Nothing seems to annoy on them than that.
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